How Harry Potter Smoked the Dark Lord
by dogmoon183
Summary: Dudley gives Harry a cure for his summer blues, and in turn gives him the "power the Dark Lord knows not"...the power of a wonderful plant not found in his potions book - marijuana.  Rated for drug use, obviously


A/N: I do not own Harry Potter and Co. Alas, I am broke.

Harry returned to the Dursleys after his sixth year at Hogwarts, as always, dreading the summer vacation. By the end of the first evening there, he was already done with being there. He sat on his bed and let out a sigh, as his cousin Dudley walked by the door.

"Hey. I know what will cheer you up," the rotund boy said softly. "I'm gonna let you try it out free of charge, and if you like it – and I know you will – I'll give you my friends and family discount."

Harry looked at his cousin as if he had gone mad. But hey, he was bored, and it probably couldn't hurt too much to try whatever it was, could it? "Alright, fine. But if I don't like it, I don't want to be pressured about it ever again."

"Deal," Dudley said enthusiastically. "Come into my room, I have a sweet setup in there."

They tromped into Dudley's room, and Dudley closed and locked the door, then threw up a makeshift curtain over the door. "That'll keep the smell out of the rest of the house," Dudley explained, giggling.

"Smell?"

"Yeah, man. I'm gonna just go ahead and assume that you've never smoked before, right?"

"No. We're not smoking fags in here, are we? Because I don't really care for a nicotine habit," Harry said.

"No no no, we're not smoking those. What we're smoking is green, amazing, and good for you. Harry, meet Mary Jewanna, Marijuana, meet Harry Potter," Dudley replied, as he got out his supply of weed. "Now don't you go telling mum about this. She wouldn't believe you, but I'd beat you up and cut you off if you did."

"Don't worry, I don't talk to Aunt Petunia anyways," Harry replied. "So uh...what are we doing with that?"

"We are going to put it into this," Dudley said, as he motioned to a bong he pulled out of the closet, "and then we are going to take a lighter, and get blazing. Just watch and learn."

Harry watched as his cousin lit up the weed, and sucked down the smoke. It didn't look too hard, but it made his cousin cough sometimes. Suddenly, it was his turn. He cautiously put the piece up to his mouth, and lit up and sucked some in before immediately coughing it back out.

Dudley laughed, and smacked him on the back. "Good man, Harry! Now take another, and this time, hit it like a pro!"

Harry did. And then they proceeded to smoke some more, and play one of the video games his cousin had for his console. After a few hours, Uncle Vernon banged on the door and hollered good night to his son, and Harry realized that it was about time to go pass out.

"Thanks, D," Harry said, as he got up to leave for bed.

"You're welcome. Don't forget, you want more of that, you gotta pay for it. And don't tell the folks," he said, as he put away the gear and got the door all opened up.

Harry slept amazingly that night. In fact, he slept so well that he had drifted into Voldemort's head without realizing it and hadn't had any pains or any indication from Tom that he knew of Harry's presence. He woke grinning, even though his Aunt had woken him to help out with the food. He would have to get more of that stuff of Big D's.

That afternoon, Harry snuck out and took the Knight's Bus to go to Gringotts and get some money exchanged into pounds. Not knowing what this stuff of Dudley's was going to cost, and based on the assumption that this was the best chance he had of living long enough to need his vault, he took over half of his trust vault, and exchanged it. The goblins looked at him funny, but let him finish his business.

When he got home, he went up to Dudley's room, and banged on the door. "It's uh, Harry," he called awkwardly to the inhabitant inside. A little commotion later, and Dudley had the door open.

"Hey. You here for some more of what I showed you last night?"

"Yeah. I want to buy some. And my own piece to smoke out of."

"I've got plenty for you, but I don't have any spare pipes at the moment – none that aren't broken anyways," Dudley said. "There's a smoke shop on the way to town that sells some."

"I'll have to get one of my own later then," Harry said, "but for now, name your price, and let's get to smokin."

After a summer of being baked off his ass, Harry found himself so stoned that he would travel down the link to Voldemort's mind, and just talk to him. After many high times, Voldemort asked him why he was so happy, and how he was able to do this crazy stuff in his head.

Harry 'turned' to Tom, and said matter of factly "Look, I'll explain it the best I can, but there's only so much I can do without getting some stuff to you. And I doubt you'd trust me enough to do what you'd need to do with it."

Tom whined, "Oh come on, Harry, I want to know. I want to be as happy as you. I deserve it! I'm the Dark Lord!"

"Fine. I'll show you this memory, and then I'll send you some stuff to a fake owl address that you'll set up. This first batch of stuff will be free, but after that, it's gonna cost you"

And so it was, that Voldemort ceased his war on the muggle world – how could he be against those who figured out this wonderful herb smoking? – and got really high and put all of his death eaters to work at getting this wonder drug legalized.

When Harry returned to Hogwarts, he went up to the headmaster's office, and proudly informed the man "I have defeated Lord Voldemort. Now, only the man, Tom Riddle, remains. He no longer strives for killing of any person, but for the legalization of a medication in the muggle world. My destiny is complete. Now, I have things to do, magic to learn, herbs to smoke. Happy school year, you old meddling man!"

Then Harry walked out, smiling happily at the look on his poor shocked headmaster's face.

The End.


End file.
